Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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