shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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