Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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