Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
