I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
