I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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