I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
