can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
