Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
