Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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