hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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