I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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