I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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