This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
