I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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