...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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