I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
