You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
