A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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