Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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