Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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