wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
