i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
