I need to stop coming to work sober
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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