I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize