god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
