I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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