The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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