I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize