i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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