It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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