my shit smells like andre
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
