I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
