My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just threw up on my dentist
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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