I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry about my life...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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