I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
