Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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