I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Randomize
