can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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