Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
