I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
