I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
