mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
