remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
