My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize