Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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