i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i dont even know how to be here
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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