I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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