Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
