now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
