yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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