I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
