I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
be right there i have to get my cape
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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