i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
