Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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