proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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