I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
