I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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