did you get engaged???
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
