Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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